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COLLEGE PARK — Dozens of intoxicated underage students were arrested by the University of Maryland Police Department Saturday night after trying to board ShuttleUM buses on the 115 line outside Montgomery Hall. The 115 buses, which run between North Campus and Downtown College Park, had UMPD officers in the drivers’ seats awaiting drunk freshmen attempting to return to their dorms.

Students were reportedly played their Miranda rights over the bus speakers while breathalyzers popped down from the ceiling “like f***ing oxygen masks,” according to sophomore Physics major Francesca Leech. “They told us to take the tests or they would drop us off at Susquehanna Hall and make us walk home! I don’t even know where Susquehanna is!”

This move by UMPD comes after an announcement last month by the University’s Department of Transportation Services that driver shortages were likely to severely limit afternoon bus routes, namely the beloved 115. DOTS representative Mo Ottlain told The Hare, “We’ve had 20 drivers quit because of having to run the 115. Five of them had permanent hearing damage from all the freshmen yelling at each other and two of them got thrown up on when drunk kids got motion sick and missed the trash can.”

UMPD spokesperson Regints D. Grudge said the department was eager to fill those positions “with a friendly face,” citing UMPD’s astonishing PR ratings amongst the student body.

“Once we heard about the issues with the 115, we knew we had a great opportunity to step in. All of campus and probably the whole world appreciated how we fixed the horrific scooter crisis. Now we hope to find new methods of transportation to improve.” When asked about Saturday’s incident, Grudge rode away on a Veo scooter — on the sidewalk.

DOTS representative Ottlain expressed concern over the officers’ driving abilities, however. The officers seemed to have taken an approach to bus driving Ottlain described as “combat on the road” and “GTA-style rampaging.” “They wouldn’t stop asking where the siren was and why they couldn’t stop by Dunkin’ Donuts for a snack.” Ottlain confirmed that officers would no longer be driving after the events on Saturday and that the Recreation and Wellness Department had plans to turn the buses into mobile weight rooms.

According to UMD administration, the arrested students spent Sunday morning serving time in the basement of the Reckord Armory alongside every e-scooter ever apprehended by UMPD.