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COLLEGE PARK — As a wave of tolerable heat and humidity sweeps College Park, Maryland lice have been made aware of an incoming infestation which regularly occurs at this time of year: the University of Maryland students. According to a rapid and timely notification from the Maryland Department of Health, it appears that this years’ infestation appears to be distinct from ones previously experienced.

“It was crazy man,” Maryland body louse native It Chee, whose host frequents the College Park area, said on a video interview. “I’m just here, minding my own business, when suddenly a ginormous pillow comes out of nowhere and absolutely ruins the feng shui of my abode.” When questioned about the situation further, Chee mentioned a grandmother before getting hit with another pillow. It is suspected that the hit caused a mild concussion. 

UMD students, a subset of Homo sapiens, are typically characterized with a shorter lifespan than other Homo sapiens. It is believed that this stems from various factors, including: increased heart palpitations from attending Maryland football games against actually competent teams, high consumption of oil from the Yahentamitsi stir fry, and a decreased amount of sleep from a phenomenon observed where many will claim to “lock in” but spend an increased amount of time awake on cellular devices. It is unclear as to what this phrase really refers to. 

It additionally appears that this year’s UMD students have shown abnormal behaviours, deviating from releasing unusual odors from the Iribe habitat. Mack Eldin, whose host resides on the fourth floor of the residence hall Pyon-Chen, reported a 9500% increase in daily visitors to the hall during the early weeks of September. “Wasn’t sure what that was about,” Eldin recounted, “I don’t mind it but I think it’s important to be safe when things like these happen. With this many people in close proximity, you don’t know what you could catch from one of them.” 

Readers are also to be warned about the unusually rapid spread of UMD students to many places in the College Park area. Spots to be cautious around include Centreville Hall, the Edward St. John Learning and Teaching Center, and even study spaces in McKeldin Library, which are typically deserted until six hours before final exams start. 

However, health officials want to assure everyone that there is no cause for concern. Responding to The Hare for comment, Doctor Gregory Louse stated “Students? I thought you said lupus,” assuring that there was nothing to worry about before barricading the front door behind Harereporters. The reporters were then ushered out of the window, but not before hearing banging on the door and shouting about numerous “hippo violations.”