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BALTIMORE — This morning, the Maryland Department of Health has identified a previously unclassified contagious disease, with the majority of initial cases being reported within the community of teaching assistants (TAs) of the University System of Maryland, including the University of Maryland College Park.

The nature of the illness and its method(s) of transmission are still being studied, but common factors observed that lead to infection include being a university student, being employed as a teaching assistant, and being scheduled to hold open office hours for a university course on the day that symptoms manifest.

Aforementioned symptoms of the phantom contagion are known to include nausea, punishing oversensitivity, migraines, stupefied bewilderment, and a condition that medical professionals refer to as “feeling like total crap.” While treatment is easy and feasible at home with at most a full day of sufficient rest, food, water, over-the-counter pain relief medication, and reassurance from friends that “you’re not actually like that”, cries of alarm have gone up from both the state government of Maryland and its citizens regarding the shortage of “mission-capable TAs” that the spread of this disease will cause.

“Office hours will be unattended, leaving confused students to decipher vague assignment descriptions on their own,” forewarned behavioral and community health professor Jerma Forbes of the UMD School of Public Health. “Exams will go unproctored and the timeliness of grades may fare even worse. And don’t say that last part is already true, that’s not funny anymore.”

Preliminary instructions to the public were released by the Department of Health one hour ago detailing the paltry information known about the illness at this time, as well as instructions for preventing or treating exposure. Anyone who suspects they have contracted the disease is urged to make a timely post on Piazza first before contacting their primary healthcare provider, or 911 in an emergency.

No leads have been found at press time as to what the disease vector or method of transmission may be, but a statement given to The Hare by the Maryland General Assembly following an emergency meeting at the State House of Annapolis reads, with odd emphasis present: “…we’re gonna ban it as soon as someone figures out what it is. Historical precedent has taught us that we simply must quickly and strictly Prohibit this silent predator from spreading.”

Moments prior to press time, Governor Wes Moore stated in a televised broadcast that the University System of Maryland may be quarantined and the National Guard activated if the disease threatens to extend beyond campus lines. While day-to-day operations at UMD will proceed uninterrupted today, many believe the public health of the entire nation — and its Gradescope pages — may be under threat.