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Hey guys, I’m bored quite often, and like any good senior, I go to the bar as often as my wallet will (or won’t) let me. As something of a nosy bitch, I like to work my way into conversations. You, reader, are surely aware of how off-the-walls these conversations get when the connection between brain and mouth is as loose as my grip on my 24th shot. So, with that in mind, let’s talk about the best things I’ve heard! And by the way, yes, these are all real.

Our Shakespearean use of language begins with…

1. “Listen, man. All of these girls out here tonight? They just tryna fuck. They want dick. Me? I’m a man of god, and I won’t touch these bitches till marriage. Then ima go crazy.”

Location: Looney’s Men’s Bathroom, March 2026
Number of drinks: 12-13
Notes: He was last seen trying his hardest to find a wife.

1. “I need my guys to be really clingy. But not like TOOOOOOOOOOO clingy. I need him to be there but (nondescript hand gesture) like back away, bro, god damn.”

Location: Cstone, April 2026
Number of Drinks: I was buying for us, so whatever 40 dollars at drafts got.
Notes: I agree.

1. “DRUNK DRIVE AND FUCK A BITCH”

Location: Cstone, November 2025
Number of Drinks: It wouldn’t have mattered; she’s just like this.
Notes: I did one of these things that night, and if you know who’s writing the article, you know which is more likely.

1. “Dolly Parton versus Tim Curry; who you going to the bar with, man? Tim looked like the hotter woman I.M.O.” (Emphasis on verbally saying I-M-O)

Location: Bents, September 2026
Number of Drinks: He stole 4
Notes: Great cultural reference, man. Good on you.

1. “The whole point of the cheesesteak is the bread. Like, man, they put it on a fuckin’ potato. The whole point is this sturdy Italian bread that you’re supposed to pick up. If you put it on a fuckin’ potato, how am I supposed to pick it up without gettin shit all over me?”

Location: Looney’s, September 2026
Number of Drinks: 13 Beers
Notes: He is the local Unc. If you know, you know.

1. “GO FIND THAT GIRL” followed about 20 minutes later by “I don’t like this girl, fade that bitch”

Location: Bents, August 2026
Number of Drinks: Enough to be “lit rn”
Notes: Her second comment was the best advice given to me this year. Always follow advice given after free shots.

1. “THAT’S MY SHIT”

Location: Looney’s, September 2026
Number of drinks: IDFK.
Notes: One of our editors. I have no clue what she was on about. But all I know is that’s their shit.

1. “Dude, you wanna go see some baddies?” (Other person jumps in) “Dude, they’re Cherry Hill baddies, and they’re baddies until you realize they have 2 kids and a crack problem.” (Original guy leans over) “They still baddies tho.”

Location: The corner of the bar in Looney’s. September 2026
Number of Drinks: A lot. Way too many. How do you even consume that much? Dude stop.
Notes: He had a point.

1. “Dude, watch this, ima go pull her so quickly.”

Location: Blacked out on Terrapin Trail. March 2026. We were not in a bar, and nobody was there.
Number of Drinks: A liter of straight vodka.
Notes: We were on a trail. Who the fuck were you talking about?

1. “I have 11 exes, bro. Every beer, I’m gonna call another one of them. I’m fixing all of them tonight.”

Location: Turf, April 2026
Number of Drinks: Enough to think he could do another 11.
Notes: “Fix”? What do you mean “fix”? All of them tonight? Dude, you were about one phone call away from crying “she still loves me.” Also, you’re old. Get out of turf, dude.