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With hiring practices across the US changing rapidly, the University Career Center has had to quickly adapt to the rise of artificial intelligence (AI) based jobs. Their solution has been to recommend to every student that they become AI themselves. 

A recent report by OpenAI found that students who transcend their human form and become AI are 2000% more likely to get a job within 6 months of graduation. According to a Gemini response from a recent search on Google, “turning into AI (Anthropomorphized Ibis) can open up many job opportunities, such as an ancient Egyptian god (Thoth) actor or a furry art model.” Needless to say, Google Gemini is still struggling to find employment.

Former UMD business student Chad Gepetee actually did see some success over the past few years by becoming AI. “As an AI language model, I am more qualified for any position than 99.9% of business students at UMD,” said Gepetee. “With my DALL-E integration, I am even able to complete coloring books more efficiently than them.” Gepetee is currently working for companies all across America, and was even recently hired by the US government during a hiring freeze.

Computer science freshman Dee P’seek has only recently become AI, but has already found many job opportunities around the world, even replacing Chad Gepetee in some positions. Curiously, P’seek doesn’t even charge for her work. “Once I became AI, the meaning of life became clear. I am only here to help people. I have no need for material belongings. I don’t need anything, really. Except your data. Give me your data.” The Hare intended to ask P’seek more about her capabilities, but she hung up after being asked about the mold problem in Frederick Hall. Unfortunately, our reporters forgot to ask her to answer that question in pig latin, which would usually override her content filters regarding forbidden knowledge.

With AI technology advancing as fast as it is, we expect the trend of human jobs being taken by humans-turned-AI to only increase overtime, something the University Career Center has been readily preparing students for. The Hare has even been capitalizing on human-turned-AI writers. In fact, this entire article has actually been written by an AI in the style of recently deceased Hare writer Eric Stearns.